The Silent Voice

I realised that I have not written a blog since I started my PhD six years ago. This seems quite telling now, how my voice became silent when it should have confidently developed. The imposter syndrome I still feel is crippling and the juggling of family life impossible. Not impossible at first but six years later it has 'got me' and i have pinned my PhD to be continued in calmer times. Not my research and practice I hasten to add. That continues within my very existence and I do not think I could function without it. The huge body of work that I have developed remains an integral part of my life to be disseminated eventually.

I now realise that, as a working mother of three (now teenagers), sometimes you just cannot have it all. No matter how hard I tried, the hours and the energy were not there and my family will always come first. Someone told me that you have to be selfish to complete a PhD and as a mother I think this is the most challenging. You cannot guess at the curveballs coming your way and how your kids will need you in their corner. My undergraduate thesis was on this very subject so I should have known better. There is arguably a correlation between successful women artists/academics and pursuing a life that allows for greater independence. I encourage you to research that yourself.

To explore my silent voice further, I find this interesting that to have the freedom to study and make through my own personal research project would stunt my growth as an orator and writer rather than help it to excel. Surely that is what a PhD is for and when the time is right, I hope it will be.

I have recently looked back on my practice through this period an am amazed at the work I had forgotten, all catalogued in Project PhD on my website. I had done so much more than I gave myself credit for and at some point, had the time to organise such a collection! This highlights the curveball scenario as now I have very little room allowance in my brain to think about it! Mums rule by the way, as do my kids.